People complain of the “everyone gets a prize” mentality, but why is celebrating anything but total domination a bad thing? I won no trophies while growing up in the late 80s and early 90s. Other than a few badges from Brownie scouts and a radio that looked like a soccer ball that I got from guessing nails in a jar, my winnings from competitive activities were pretty bleak.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t have fun. In middle school, all the important girls played volleyball and so did I. In sixth grade, I was on the alternate B team. After both the A and B teams played, whoever was left would play us. We won one game the entire season. What I remember most is my best friend was next to me on the bus sharing a Walkman singing along to Tiffany on a cassette tape.

Part of the reason I was terrible in sixth grade was because I was short and mostly afraid of the ball. Later after college, I played in a local church league and discovered wasn’t half bad because I already knew the basics and had grown to 5’10.” It’s too bad that winning is such a focus in school when exercise, teamwork, friendship and learning proper form and technique should be the goals.

I was also in track where I never won a race, in choir where I sang zero solos and in drama where I never played a single lead. I am not sad about those experiences because they were also interesting and worthwhile. While I did pretty well in school, I was not the valedictorian nor salutatorian. I don’t think I ever came in first in anything and that’s not a terrible thing.

I think a lot of the competition in school is fueled by parents. I remember one couple threatening to pull their boy from choir if he didn’t get a solo. We had so few boys participating that his part was practically a solo anyway. I was swimming in a sea of sopranos. Choir isn’t about individuals, its about harmony—how we all sound together. Our biggest gig was singing at the local holiday fair, and we sounded lovely.

Anyway, I keep hearing of people wanting their kids to have grit and endurance. I think perhaps letting your kid do things they’re just okay at is part of that. So they’re not a star, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t show up and support the other participants and be cheered on too. Win or lose, they should be congratulated for finishing well.