I have a little saying I tell myself. “When a movie has famous actors, but you’ve never heard of it, it’s because it’s bad.” I obviously didn’t listen to me, but maybe I can warn you.

Main Street on Hulu isn’t very good. It’s the kind of movie that makes you wish you had your time back, and during pandemic, that’s saying a lot. Rotten Tomatoes gives an aggressively low score of 13%. People are clearly just angry. Which is an emotion that could have been used to improve this film.

The movie has a spectacular cast: Colin Firth, Orlando Bloom, Patricia Clarkson, Margo Martindale, and Tim Wopat. They all do the best they can, but the movie is just really boring and that’s something coming from someone who will watch a 6-part BBC rendition of an obscure 19th century novel.

Did I mention it’s set in North Carolina? That’s right, two famously British actors are trotting out Southern drawls. Imagine Legolas being dubbed by Matthew McConaughey. Imagine an accent so terrible it makes Colin Firth not handsome anymore.

Everyone tries really hard to make it seem like something interesting is going to happen, but spoiler alert, it doesn’t. It just makes it worse somehow. Stay safe out there, and don’t watch this movie.