At different times of my life I have been more or less what may be considered conventionally attractive. There was a time in high school when being tall and slender gained me access to some of the popular groups. This was exciting because I had started freshman year kind of short with braces, acne and an unfortunate perm. The only friends I had were other young people that I met in the library, on the edges of choir or in English class. Everyone else acted like I didn’t exist.

Then the summer before sophomore year, I grew several inches, was freed from my headgear, my face cleared and my natural hair grew out. Suddenly new groups opened up. I had cheerleader friends, and mingled with some of the cool kids. They drove cars and invited me to hang out with them. I felt seen.

The thing was that my insides didn’t match this new vibe. I didn’t know about makeup or how football worked and my parents weren’t rich. Also, this new group was kind of cliquey and mean. I felt pressured to change my clothes, hair, interests and personality. My hilarious jokes weren’t appreciated, because apparently I was embarrassing. It was devastating.

I remember going to class on a Monday feeling pretty low, but my regular friends had been waiting for me to tell me something and find out what I thought. I remember thinking how lucky I was. This group had a diversity of “looks” and interests. We appreciated each person for who they were and everyone had an equal say. They saw me before I saw me.

I never went back to the so-called popular kids. Eventually one of us gained a driver’s license and we had fun outings going to see bands performing in coffee shops, or just hung out in each other’s homes with no stress about whose place was fanciest. Those friendships helped make me who I am today.

I still see women struggling with their physical appearance and status. They diet and try to keep up with fashions and trends. They only express what they perceive are least offensive opinions. Everything is dull and expensive.

And, it’s a losing game. There will always be another, more exclusive group within the group. Those competitive types won’t build you up, but expose and look down on your differences to make themselves feel better. You don’t need it.

Your real friends already like you as you are. If you want to switch up your look or get healthier, go for it! Be sure though you’re doing it for your own betterment and not altering yourself for someone else’s comfort and preference. The real you is the best you.