When it comes to relationships, there is often friction between people when they each want the other to change to meet the their own preferences. Which things are legitimate requests to make and which are not? I think it boils down to character versus personality. We should all strive to be the best versions of ourselves.
You can and should expect your partner to do what they say and take responsibility for their words and actions, in as much as you should also be accountable to them for your own words and actions. We can help each other be more disciplined, kinder, generous and honest, but change has to come in the context of acceptance. You have to be loved and accepted first and then in that safe place, you have the motivation and confidence to build new skills. If you have to change in order to be loved and accepted, then the relationship is conditional and therefore less secure.
In caring for another, you should honor who the other is. You can’t require the other to change who they are as a person. They get to have their own preferences, aesthetics and temperament. An introvert doesn’t want to be pushed out into public and the extrovert needs to be free to socialize. Of course, people on opposite ends of the social spectrum often end up together so there will always be some level tension in the relationship. That’s where the compromise and communication needs to come in. Sometimes you both go out and sometimes you both stay in and sometimes you separate and come back together. You both can learn to appreciate the contribution of the other and have new experiences.
It can be challenging to see the value in other people’s choices, but if you see the person as valuable then it is easier to accept their stuff. For example, I usually don’t like my husband’s music, but I like him. Occasionally we find a band we both like, but our concession is quality headphones when we don’t.
There is also a benefit to being different and that is you can learn from the other’s perspective. A social person knows about people and a quiet person knows about things. That applies to lots of areas. One person shops for gifts, and other wraps. One person does the taxes and the other does the Christmas cards. Together there can more shared wisdom than each individual apart. The important thing is to value what the other person brings to the relationship. If you treat each other well, then the differences can become assets.
