A few weeks ago, I was describing the feeling of losing my father, and I explained that it was like having a hole punched out of the middle of my chest. I know that sounds dramatic, and I also know that anyone who has been through similar situation feels exactly the same way.
Having a major loss opens your eyes. You learn what it looks like in other people because you can recognize it from yourself. Lots of people have a Dad Hole. Some of them lost their fathers through natural events such as my own, but others lost them through the abandonment, mistreatment or neglect by their Dads. There are, unfortunately a lot of bad Dads.
I’ve elected to not use more specific examples because the people in my life will suspect that I’ve used their example. And here’s the thing, even if I don’t use them and I use someone else, it would be so similar that they would think it’s them anyways because it’s all so common.
In a nutshell, instead nurturing and caring for their children, providing for them and teaching them and loving them, they did not. That abandonment is felt whether it is intended or not. My father did not intend to die. Other fathers do not intend to work too many hours, or to not be emotionally available when they were never taught how to be emotionally available, yet there is a felt loss.
Having a good Dad makes a person confident out in the world. Even when you yourself are an adult, you have this back up available. Once, when I was in my early 20s, I was out on location photographing a wedding, and at the end, I went back to my car to discover that I had locked myself out. I called my Dad and he came and let me in my car because he had the spare key. He seemed absolutely thrilled to come out and “save the day.“ My Dad was my safety net.
Grief is a funny thing because even though it never goes away entirely, you can learn to live with it on a daily basis. You can even learn to find the good in the world and not think about your loss for stretches of time. Yet, sometimes you go about intentionally or unintentionally trying to finding replacements for the pieces that are missing, but they’re always just a patch for the original hole.
Before my Dad died, I was not in a hurry to get married and enjoyed my independent, single life. After my Dad passed, I started looking for a back up for my back up. My husband is really different than my Dad, but also not totally different than my Dad. They look nothing alike, but both encouraged me to be my best self and they are thoughtful and carry a set of spare keys. 
To wrap up, the men in my life who are good people are very much appreciated. There’s a lot of people who have to be their own Dad. We survive, but it’s not the same.
**Even the best Dads are still human men and we all have human flaws. You can’t have a human person be your God. There are many men who try to be God, and we all know what horrors that creates.
