I keep hearing about the loneliness epidemic and I distinctly remember what it felt like to be alone. Here are some reflections on my loneliest times, how I got there, and how I got out again.
Middle school was the first time that I chronically felt alone. I went from a warm little fifth grade room where all the students knew each other’s first and last names to roaming the echoing halls of middle school where mean girls openly mocked anyone who expressed an shred of difference. It’s not a pleasant journey going down memory lane. The boys were also aggressively mean.
The worst kind of loneliness comes in crowded cafeterias. I didn’t have anyone to be with, so I retreated to books. There was a reading elective where we had to read a certain number of pages, but you won a prize if you read double. So, I spent my lunch hour in the library reading. The prize for reading was a free book, and I won it.
There was student who worked in the stacks, pushing a cart up and down the aisle, reshelving books. She had long, dark hair like Wednesday Addams, and unlike me, she enjoyed being there. She showed me how she sorted and lined up the books on their shelves. She was into plants and referred to them by their Latin names. She actually knew so much about so many things. We talked every day and then started hanging out after school too. Not surprisingly, her house was full of plants. We stayed friends into high school where we found other friends and gradually, I wasn’t lonely anymore.
The next time I was really alone was when I was teaching college in China. Most of the time, I had fellow teachers and students around, but during a winter break I found myself alone when plans for my Mom to visit fell through. I was alone in a land where everyone spoke another language and didn’t celebrate Christmas. The difference was, this time was I didn’t mind spending time with me. I had books and my thoughts and wasn’t as sad as I thought I would be. I wrote down the things I was thinking and before I knew it people came back.
My third, lonely time was when I was out in Pennsylvania snowed in with a baby. Tim was at work all day and gone many nights and I found myself all alone binging Netflix shows while trying to fold through endless piles of laundry. My lifelines became attending Mothers of Preschoolers every other week and tutoring immigrants. Helping other people is a good way to jolt yourself out of self pity, plus I remembered what it was like to live in a foreign land.
Tim and I asked a pastor at the church we had started attending if there were any Bible studies we could join, and he recommended that we start one. There was another couple willing to host. Those families became our core of friendship for the next couple years. It was so fun to meet up with some of them this summer when we visited too.
My solution to beating loneliness are these four things. 1. If you find yourself alone, get to know yourself first. Develop your mind and pursue interesting things. 2. Simply look around. There are other people hiding in the shadows. Look for similarities and other people who share your situation. The best opening line is still the simplest, “Hi.” 3. Join a group of people doing a thing. If there isn’t one, start it yourself. Don’t be shy or judgmental, allow for some awkwardness. 4. Maintain the friendships you already have. Forgot you have friends? Scroll your contact list and text out a few invites for coffee and pastries. The best way to maintain a friendship is to regularly meet up and reconnect.
