Over the years, I have heard men complain that women have friend-zoned them. By the accusatory tone, I guess they are using friend-zone to mean when a woman leads on a man with attention, but when they try to make a move, the woman says, “Oh you’re just a friend.”

Recently, I remembered an incident that happened to me about a year after college. I had a car and I used to pick up a guy friend after work.  He would complain about his day, and I listened to him then dropped him off at his home. I did this a couple times a week. Then, after a few months, he told me that he liked me. It was a genuine surprise for me. I told him, I didn’t think of him that way. I was not lying or leading him on, it just literally never occurred to me to be attracted to him. It wasn’t about his looks, he was taller than me and he played football in college and had a job. Superficially he was an eligible bachelor that I had rejected. At the time, I couldn’t figure out what caused the disconnect.

I hadn’t thought about this incident for years until recently. Every day, I drive my children’s carpool. They tell me all about their day. I’m happy to do it because they are unable to drive themselves. They don’t ask me about my day because they are children, and I’m an adult. They’re the ones that require help and they don’t help me usually unless I ask them. Repeatedly. 

Now, I realize that this fellow from my younger years had not fallen into the friend-zone, but had fallen into the child-zone. My brain put him in the category of babies, rescue animals, and students who come to class late with no homework. I like to help people because I’m a helper and it makes me feel good to do something for someone else, but I am not romantically attracted to babies, rescue animals or lazy students.

At 20-something, I wasn’t interested in having a baby with a baby. Lots of guys in their 20s, and beyond, act like children. They played video games, are self-centered and emotionally immature. They confuse any kind of attention with sexual interest. Sometimes they trigger a woman’s “take care of the baby animal” part of her brain, but not the “hook up with the hottie” part, and are disappointed.

Remember the scene in The Office where Holly helps Kevin use the vending machine? She thinks he is a special needs person, and he thinks that she is into him. This is that confusion.

So, regarding the men who complain about being friend-zoned. Perhaps they are childish in their interactions with grown, adult women. They demand their time and attention, but offer very little in return. Most women are looking for men who take responsibility for their own lives and emotional states to a level that they have extra to share with another person or perhaps a whole family. That’s what makes a man eligible for a long-term relationship. Hope this helps.